These two works have never caused me so much angst.  I had completed the (current) right panel first. I knew that from the beginning of working on Not Being that I wanted it to have a sister panel. Something that could stand alone but when paired with another canvas could be even stronger. Sisters, yes, but also symbolic of a perfect dynamic of people. (Wink!)

I drew sketch after sketch of what I wanted the sister panel to look like, but every time I sat down to actually create it, it turned out entirely wrong and muddled, as if I had entirely forgot how I work.  I painted over the left panel 3 times before I sat down with myself, completely perplexed, and frustrated.  Why wasn't it working.  I knew what I wanted.  I had a plan. I was a professional.  Why couldn't I pin it down.

Of course, like all life lessons occur, they don't just present themselves to you neatly with a bow on top.  This sister was my life lesson incarnate.  It wasn't working because I was trying to make the work be something that it perhaps was not destined to be. I never plan works ahead of time, always in the moment.  I trust the muse to flow through me, and I always have, except with this piece. By this simple action of thoughtlessly trying to take control of the process, the painting and results failed me time after time.  It was not my job to control the outcome of my works, it is my job to be a tool of the universe. 

The lesson? If it is meant to be, it will be. You can want it and will it but in the end, it's not up to anything other than the universe. 

As soon as I gave up on wanting Only Half Right to be this perfect sister and companion that I imagined for Not BeingOnly Half Right was born as the left sister (instead of the intended right) with a darker and more powerful motion than I could I hoped for.  Once it started to take shape and direction, I was able to add in forms to tie the sister together, but of its own direction.  

Thanks Only Half Right, I will not soon forget that I have no say in the motion of the universe. I am only responsible for showing up and accepting the hand I am delt. 


Leah PanteaComment